The Real Emma Jayne?!

This post has been a long time in the making. I’ve had varients of it in my drafts for a good month (or more). The main problem I had whilst writing was how much detail do I go into? Do I share all my darkest secrets in the hope that someone out there reaches out and validates my feelings? Whilst I want to be as open as possible I’m also very aware that anything I put online will be there forever, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it’s still something I worry about.

For a long time I’ve been fighting a seemingly never ending battle with myself. The thought of the distant future excites and intrigues me. However thinking about the present and near future terrifies me in ways I can’t even begin to describe. It’s like I’m  walking through a tunnel and I can see the light at the end but it’s a long and dark path to get there. At present I have nothing upcoming to look forward to. No new fancy ‘proper adult’ job. No new apartment to move into so I can finally be independant. All of that seems just out of my reach.

My state of normal has evolved into a state of existence where I don’t really feel anything. It’s like I have no emotions in my state of normality. My few good days make me feel empowered and motivated to keep striving. These feelings are usually tempory and I soon return to my normal state, but sometimes my good ‘days’ turn into bad days. On bad days I have all the negative emotions. I hate myself. I think of ways other people hate me. I call myself worthless. I call myself a failure. On these days I usually end up crying intensly for a period of time. Once the crying starts, every single negative thought I’ve ever had about myself increases and I spiral deeper into negativity. They’re the kind of days that if you spoke to me on those days, you’d probably be somewhat concerned. But for me it’s just a normal state of being.

To me, feeling ‘good’ is not having/wanting to have a breakdown at 3am in the morning, consequently struggling to sleep thinking about how much of a failure I am in life. Admittedly my rock bottom days aren’t that regular but I always expect them. I know that I can never go too long without having one. The longer I feel ‘okay’ the more worried I get that my inevitable breakdown will be more intensified. I end up feeling guilty for feeling happy for too long because I know the fall will be so much harder and hurt so much more than before.

My thoughts are something I’ve been battling for over 10 years now. I feel I’ve been passed along to the next person far too many times. I’ve almost given up with seeking help because I know that I’ll sabotage it for myself, as I have done in the past. At 19 I was struggling with a variety of things. My world was rocked with a family illness. I was in my second year at university, halfway through my degree, over 100 miles away from home and on the verge of quitting and moving back home. It was at this point in my life that a potential label was thrown at me. Depressed. The word was spoken so casually yet it brought up a panic inside me. I couldn’t have been depressed. Sure I was having a really shit time but I wasn’t depressed.

Now at 22 I sit here on my bed, writing this post, contemplating that very word.

“Depression is different from feeling down or sad. Unhappiness is something which everyone feels at one time or another, usually due to a particular cause. A person experiencing depression will experience intense emotions of anxiety, hopelessness, negativity and helplessness, and the feelings stay with them instead of going away.”

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/d/depression

What constitues normal levels of feeling hopeless and helpless? When do the feelings become intense? How do I know if what I’m feeling is or isn’t intense feelings of hopelessness and helplessness? How can you measure feelings?

The only thing I do know for sure is that I have become somewhat disconnected from the world around me, and from people around me. I don’t feel the same as I used to. It’s so hard to explain but it’s something I can feel.

Everyone around me seems to be getting on with their life and I just can’t seem to move forward. They all have something to do, a reason to be. I don’t. I haven’t got anything. Right now my life is a massive black hole. I don’t have anything to fill the void. I can’t do anything or go anywhere because I don’t have the money. I don’t have the money because I don’t have a ‘proper’ job. I can’t seem to find any job I feel qualified to do. Or if I do they’re miles away and I can’t afford to up and move. The jobs I do apply for I hear nothing from so I assume they don’t think I’m good enough, which then makes me feel like I’m not good enough which demotivated me from looking for jobs and I end up in this constant state of existence; not really progressing or going anywhere, I’m just here. Just surviving enough to make it to the next day. The next day comes and I do the exact same. I am wasting my life waiting for things that are never going to happen.

Maybe I’m just lazy. Maybe there is nothing wrong with me, except from the fact I’m lazy. Maybe if I just got out there in the world I’d actually be somewhere and I’d be happy. Maybe if I just sucked it up and got a ‘normal’ job and had money I’d be okay. Maybe that wouldn’t work. Maybe I’m not cut out for the traditional 9-5 working routine. Maybe I’m riddled with fear, so much so that I can’t just do the things that make me happy.

The real me is an optimist. The real me is a pessimist. The real me is filled with happiness. The real me hides the darkness. The real me is unapologetically me. The real me is the me who strives to be better. The real me doesn’t quit, no matter how tough things get.

I realise that this is a lot of random words put together and it doesn’t form a cohesive piece of writing but that kind of sums up my brain. I am someone who is very logical and is able to get myself out of my usual ‘funks’ but sometimes it’s difficult to pull myself out of my deep ‘funks’. I’m learning to manage my emotions and I strongly believe that when I find something I enjoy to put my time and effort into (and get paid from it) my view towards life will change. But until then, I’ve just got to accept that sometimes I need to take a break from things and look after myself for once.

If you’re still reading this train wreck of a post then thank you. Currently I’m feeling okay, I’ve had a good past few days and I’m hoping this continues for a little longer…

I’d be interested to know how you deal with feelings of not being good enough? What do you do to get you out of your funk?

I hope you’re all having wonderful days. If you’re going through a rough patch right now please know that I believe in you. Trust in yourself. If something doesn’t feel right, try to change it. I know sometimes that’s difficult, but even a small change in your daily routine could make a difference.

Okay, I’m really going now. What even was this post?

Emma Jayne

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