Today’s post is a slightly more personal as today would have been my Grandad’s birthday. He wasn’t the first family member who passed away, my Great Auntie (my Grandad’s sister) passed away when I was 7 and I used to love going around to her house. I feel like I don’t really know who she was that much because I was so young when she passed away. My Grandad’s passing hit me hard because I didn’t realise how ill he was until near the end. My parents thought it would be best if I didn’t know until I kind of had to know. I was 11 when my Grandad died and I felt like I had lost a part of me. We were best friends and I loved spending time with him. For a while after he passed away and we visited my Grandma I half expected him to come downstairs and walk in with a huge smile on his face, just like he used to every time we visited. My other Grandad died when I was 14. His death didn’t come as quite a shock as I knew he was very ill. My Grandma died when I was 18 which came as a kind of shock, although I wasn’t that shocked because I knew how ill she had been. Each grandparent has missed different achievements in my life so I wanted to take this opportunity write an open letter to my grandparents who have passed. (I am still fortunate enough to have a Nanna who is over 90 years old and still going strong).
It’s Emma, your youngest grandchild. I’m 21 now. A lot has changed since I last saw you. Grandad B & Grandad H, since I last saw either of you I took my GCSE’s and passed and got into my high school’s sixth form where I took media, photography, theatre and geography in first year and then dropped theatre in second year. I then applied to numerous universities and by some miracle I actually got into my first choice university. I then moved away from my hometown and began my journey into adulthood. I struggled through a lot of it but didn’t tell any family members just how much I was struggling. Grandma here’s what you also missed. When I was in second year Mum got sick and I really struggled to cope with that as well as university. Luckily I had amazing friends/housemates who helped me through a lot. Last month I graduated from university and started this blog. That’s pretty much where I’m at in life right now.
I don’t really know where I’m headed next. I still have a lot of things to figure out, things I wish I could talk to you about. I know that you would be proud of me whatever I do but I just wish I could ask you just to make sure. Is there any advice you could give me now that I’m an adult? Is there something you wish you could have said to me but thought I wouldn’t understand at the time because I was so young?
I also want to apologise. I want to apologise for not coming to see you more. I made excuses too many times and now I’d do anything to see you again for just 10 minutes. I need you to know that I love you and that I miss you every day that goes by. You’re one less person to share my accomplishments with, even if my accomplishments have only been a few. Next year I really want to do something with my life. I want to go to new places, I want to meet new people, I want to experience new things. Sure I’m still the shy little girl you knew so well, but I have a desire to do scary things every now and then. I don’t want to be a shy little girl for the rest of my life. I want to be a confident woman who lives life to the fullest. Someone who makes things happen and makes a life for themselves. I wish I could jump a few years into the future to see where I’m at in life so that if I’m not where I want to be then, I can make more of an effort to change now. I feel by starting this blog I’ve already began to make a change in my life, I’m trying to put myself out there and hopefully grab someones attention so I can finally be given an opportunity. I want to feel confident enough to take risks without overthinking things and fearing the possibility of failure. Sure I could fail, but I could just as easily succeed.
I don’t know if you’re watching over me at all, but I like to think you are. I like to think that you had a hand in everything I’ve done. That you’re some voice of reason from above that gives me courage to do things that would normally scare me. I hope that you are proud of me, and even if you’re not proud of me yet I hope you’ll be proud of the person I’m trying to become.
There’s so much I want to say to each of you but I would be here forever. I just want you to know that I love you all dearly and wish I could have spent another 10 minutes with you before you had to leave this world. I know I’ll see you again some day but until then I hope you’ll stick around with me and help me out whenever I need some words of wisdom.
I hope Christmas is great for you all up there. Lots of love, your youngest grandchild Emma.